I can remember days that my scale and I were good friends. Each week I could see the pounds coming off and I like best buds, I couldn't wait to see that scale and know how well I had done.
My scale and I now have a hate relationship. I hate looking to see what I have done to myself. For the first time in many, many months, I weighed myself this morning; knowing the number would not be good. While it is possible I have been over 300 pounds before, this morning really hurt. I once told myself that I refused to see a 300 or over on that scale. Today, I saw that shattered. 305. It really is a gut check (literally). I have allowed myself to break a promise I made and push that number over the top. It explains why I have felt even worst recently. It explains why I can't find the energy to do things. It explains why my clothes fit so badly.
I still am determined that I won't allow myself to see myself as a number. My health is worth more than what that scale tells me. I am still want the measure of my health to be how I'm feeling. The energy I have. The pain I don't have. The length of time I can exercise for. The way my clothes fit me.
I keep telling myself that moving in May will be a fresh start, but that's a cop out. I can make fresh starts now that will only get better once May gets here. I can go into my fresh starts already with some good foundations in place.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
I never promise
I do not intend for this blog to be a flowery writing of all the great things I have accomplished but none of the hard, trying times when I find myself face down in the dirt not wanting to get back up and try again. I never promise myself success at all time. I never promise I will be full of cheer and good messages. I do, however, promise myself that I won't give up. I do promise that I will give it the best that I can.
I have actually heard people say when you are working to lose weight and become healthier that you should dedicate yourself so fully that the chances of you slipping up are slim. I think that is a bunch of bull! I am after all human and the reason I got to this weight in the first places is because humans are prone to slipping up.
Over the past three years, I have really been killing myself. I realize that getting to be 300 pounds was a lifelong journey, but most recently, be it age or the fact I have reached a size my body just can't support well anymore, I feel physically and mentally sick. ALL THE TIME! It is a really significant wake up call for me that I have let this go too long. I have been content with being heavy for way too long.
I am starting to see my weight truly hold me back from things. I can't stand for long lengths of time without pain in my lower back and feet, I breath heavy when I put myself through any sort of physical activity, I hate the way my clothes feel on me, I don't like what I see in the mirror....it's becoming a nightmare.
While I don't want to call people out or name names, there is a lady at work who while I respect her and call her a friend, she is the perfect example of the person I'm very quickly becoming. It scares me to think that I could be her if I don't stop this downward trend right now.
I have in the past become upset with myself because I want to go full speed ahead and start seeing results. This time around I need to remind myself that things will happen even if I feel like I am doing them too slowly. I don't need to jog or feel like I have to run. There is nothing wrong with walking. I don't have to do a crazy amount of pushup or squat sets and reps. If I can only do a few right now, that's fine! Take what you can do and build on it from there. It's called a staircase for a reason!
I know motivation in this area is not always good for me. That is why this morning I plan on taking some small steps. My BodyMedia is already on my arm and I have a plan for cooking meals for next week. A co worker has already agreed that we are done eating out on a regular basis. We are going to start packing our lunches and going to the park.
My goal for the next couple of weeks will be small changes. Even if I only get in a small workout it's a small change. Even if I slip up and end up eating out one day next week, that is a small change.
I have actually heard people say when you are working to lose weight and become healthier that you should dedicate yourself so fully that the chances of you slipping up are slim. I think that is a bunch of bull! I am after all human and the reason I got to this weight in the first places is because humans are prone to slipping up.
Over the past three years, I have really been killing myself. I realize that getting to be 300 pounds was a lifelong journey, but most recently, be it age or the fact I have reached a size my body just can't support well anymore, I feel physically and mentally sick. ALL THE TIME! It is a really significant wake up call for me that I have let this go too long. I have been content with being heavy for way too long.
I am starting to see my weight truly hold me back from things. I can't stand for long lengths of time without pain in my lower back and feet, I breath heavy when I put myself through any sort of physical activity, I hate the way my clothes feel on me, I don't like what I see in the mirror....it's becoming a nightmare.
While I don't want to call people out or name names, there is a lady at work who while I respect her and call her a friend, she is the perfect example of the person I'm very quickly becoming. It scares me to think that I could be her if I don't stop this downward trend right now.
I have in the past become upset with myself because I want to go full speed ahead and start seeing results. This time around I need to remind myself that things will happen even if I feel like I am doing them too slowly. I don't need to jog or feel like I have to run. There is nothing wrong with walking. I don't have to do a crazy amount of pushup or squat sets and reps. If I can only do a few right now, that's fine! Take what you can do and build on it from there. It's called a staircase for a reason!
I know motivation in this area is not always good for me. That is why this morning I plan on taking some small steps. My BodyMedia is already on my arm and I have a plan for cooking meals for next week. A co worker has already agreed that we are done eating out on a regular basis. We are going to start packing our lunches and going to the park.
My goal for the next couple of weeks will be small changes. Even if I only get in a small workout it's a small change. Even if I slip up and end up eating out one day next week, that is a small change.
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