I can remember days that my scale and I were good friends. Each week I could see the pounds coming off and I like best buds, I couldn't wait to see that scale and know how well I had done.
My scale and I now have a hate relationship. I hate looking to see what I have done to myself. For the first time in many, many months, I weighed myself this morning; knowing the number would not be good. While it is possible I have been over 300 pounds before, this morning really hurt. I once told myself that I refused to see a 300 or over on that scale. Today, I saw that shattered. 305. It really is a gut check (literally). I have allowed myself to break a promise I made and push that number over the top. It explains why I have felt even worst recently. It explains why I can't find the energy to do things. It explains why my clothes fit so badly.
I still am determined that I won't allow myself to see myself as a number. My health is worth more than what that scale tells me. I am still want the measure of my health to be how I'm feeling. The energy I have. The pain I don't have. The length of time I can exercise for. The way my clothes fit me.
I keep telling myself that moving in May will be a fresh start, but that's a cop out. I can make fresh starts now that will only get better once May gets here. I can go into my fresh starts already with some good foundations in place.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
I never promise
I do not intend for this blog to be a flowery writing of all the great things I have accomplished but none of the hard, trying times when I find myself face down in the dirt not wanting to get back up and try again. I never promise myself success at all time. I never promise I will be full of cheer and good messages. I do, however, promise myself that I won't give up. I do promise that I will give it the best that I can.
I have actually heard people say when you are working to lose weight and become healthier that you should dedicate yourself so fully that the chances of you slipping up are slim. I think that is a bunch of bull! I am after all human and the reason I got to this weight in the first places is because humans are prone to slipping up.
Over the past three years, I have really been killing myself. I realize that getting to be 300 pounds was a lifelong journey, but most recently, be it age or the fact I have reached a size my body just can't support well anymore, I feel physically and mentally sick. ALL THE TIME! It is a really significant wake up call for me that I have let this go too long. I have been content with being heavy for way too long.
I am starting to see my weight truly hold me back from things. I can't stand for long lengths of time without pain in my lower back and feet, I breath heavy when I put myself through any sort of physical activity, I hate the way my clothes feel on me, I don't like what I see in the mirror....it's becoming a nightmare.
While I don't want to call people out or name names, there is a lady at work who while I respect her and call her a friend, she is the perfect example of the person I'm very quickly becoming. It scares me to think that I could be her if I don't stop this downward trend right now.
I have in the past become upset with myself because I want to go full speed ahead and start seeing results. This time around I need to remind myself that things will happen even if I feel like I am doing them too slowly. I don't need to jog or feel like I have to run. There is nothing wrong with walking. I don't have to do a crazy amount of pushup or squat sets and reps. If I can only do a few right now, that's fine! Take what you can do and build on it from there. It's called a staircase for a reason!
I know motivation in this area is not always good for me. That is why this morning I plan on taking some small steps. My BodyMedia is already on my arm and I have a plan for cooking meals for next week. A co worker has already agreed that we are done eating out on a regular basis. We are going to start packing our lunches and going to the park.
My goal for the next couple of weeks will be small changes. Even if I only get in a small workout it's a small change. Even if I slip up and end up eating out one day next week, that is a small change.
I have actually heard people say when you are working to lose weight and become healthier that you should dedicate yourself so fully that the chances of you slipping up are slim. I think that is a bunch of bull! I am after all human and the reason I got to this weight in the first places is because humans are prone to slipping up.
Over the past three years, I have really been killing myself. I realize that getting to be 300 pounds was a lifelong journey, but most recently, be it age or the fact I have reached a size my body just can't support well anymore, I feel physically and mentally sick. ALL THE TIME! It is a really significant wake up call for me that I have let this go too long. I have been content with being heavy for way too long.
I am starting to see my weight truly hold me back from things. I can't stand for long lengths of time without pain in my lower back and feet, I breath heavy when I put myself through any sort of physical activity, I hate the way my clothes feel on me, I don't like what I see in the mirror....it's becoming a nightmare.
While I don't want to call people out or name names, there is a lady at work who while I respect her and call her a friend, she is the perfect example of the person I'm very quickly becoming. It scares me to think that I could be her if I don't stop this downward trend right now.
I have in the past become upset with myself because I want to go full speed ahead and start seeing results. This time around I need to remind myself that things will happen even if I feel like I am doing them too slowly. I don't need to jog or feel like I have to run. There is nothing wrong with walking. I don't have to do a crazy amount of pushup or squat sets and reps. If I can only do a few right now, that's fine! Take what you can do and build on it from there. It's called a staircase for a reason!
I know motivation in this area is not always good for me. That is why this morning I plan on taking some small steps. My BodyMedia is already on my arm and I have a plan for cooking meals for next week. A co worker has already agreed that we are done eating out on a regular basis. We are going to start packing our lunches and going to the park.
My goal for the next couple of weeks will be small changes. Even if I only get in a small workout it's a small change. Even if I slip up and end up eating out one day next week, that is a small change.
Friday, March 7, 2014
The morning of....
I woke up this morning with a strange determination and an idea. Most mornings I am out of bed by 6(ish) in order to race around getting ready to be at work at 7. The drive to work is a 20 minute one, so if you can do the math right, forcing myself out of bed at 6 becomes a sprint to get ready. This morning, however, I was determined to stay in bed and sleep. Little did I know, my brain would have other ideas. As I laid in bed at 7:45 begging my body to just go back to sleep and enjoy the first day of our week off, I started to think about life.
In a week, I will be 29 years old. For me, this year will be a sobering reminder of the fact my 20's are over. I am moving into a point of life that most people reserve for raising children and growing their careers. While God may have plans to present a man into my life and change my mind about having children, I know that I'm not ready for either. And to be perfectly honest, I can't be sure I want either right now. Shocking right? While most women want the white picket fence with a husband to welcome home at day's end and at least a couple of children to cherish I wonder if I can't make something different happen in my 30's.
I don't feel like I have accomplished much with my 20's. Yes, I graduated college, but with a degree in Fish and Wildlife, my career in that field is all but closed. The young, naive girl I was in high school has grown up and realized that sometimes having that truly unique career may be fun, but it won't pay the bills. I struggled after college to find where I belonged. I moved more times than I care to count on my fingers right now, lived in horrific conditions even at times, and in the end, I landed myself in Columbus working as a Customs Brokerage Agent. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching people's perplexed looks as I rattle off my job title, but this is not where I thought I would be right now.
So where DID I expect to be. Certainly no one sees themselves as a single woman working an office job, still living with a roommate, and looking forward to coming home in the evenings to enjoy their cat's company while watching episodes of TV shows till bed time. Okay, you may insert your crazy cat lady jokes now. No, this is not where I saw myself, but regardless, it is where I am right now. In the last year of my 20's though, I want to change this. I have a year to set a foundation before the big 3 0 hits. In a year, I want to be celebrating my birthday as not only a time to rejoice in what I accomplished in the last year, but to truly be able to say I look forward now to what I will do with my 30's.
I guess it's a good time to remind you that my birthday is next week. Perhaps it has been that looming date that brought upon some of my serious thinking this morning. Today marks the first day of a week away from my usual troubles and stress. A week away from work is a week to start laying some healthy foundations. As I was laying in bed, a thought occurred to me. Is it enough to be just physically healthy? Is it enough to be just be spiritually healthy? Maybe the true definition of health is to be healthy in both these areas. If each one plays and contributes to the other, perhaps the balance I have been searching for depends on me getting myself right with my creator as well as allowing Him into the work I need to do on my physical self. I am sure I am not the first to come to this conclusion, but it is a powerful one to contemplate. Perhaps the key to finding a truly healthy life and living fully alive in my 30's if not only finding time work in cardio, but also finding time to be quiet with God.
So what does this sort of plan look like? It's all well and good to say these things, but how do I put them into practice. Preachers can preach all they want, but unless you see them living what they preach, it means nothing. My actions have to support my words. I know there will be days the excitement is lost. I won't want to do the things I know I should be doing. While the excitement is high right now, how can I promote change that will stick?
I am reminded first of all that I must look at this journey as a marathon and not as a sprint. I won't get their fast, there will be days I don't see the scale line move in the appropriate direction, there are days the thought of picking up my Bible is just not appealing, and there are certainly days I'm going to outright fail in all areas.
My first step this morning was to put on my BodyMedia armband. I will perhaps write an entire blog on what this device does for me, but a short and sweet version is that allows me to track my physical activity during the day so I can appropriately eat the calories to balance the two.
Goal 1: wear BodyMedia every day and night, and remember to track food throughout the day
Goal 2: spend a minimum of 15 minutes with God
Goal 3: find a minimum of 30 minutes to do cardio or strength training
These are three very simple and broad goals, but as I start to keep to them, I foresee new goals piggy backing off of the simples, broad ones.
The power diaries are not a new concept. I have known for a long time that I have the power to change my life. I want to look at my last year of 20 as the makeover year that allowed me to truly change my life in my 30's.
In a week, I will be 29 years old. For me, this year will be a sobering reminder of the fact my 20's are over. I am moving into a point of life that most people reserve for raising children and growing their careers. While God may have plans to present a man into my life and change my mind about having children, I know that I'm not ready for either. And to be perfectly honest, I can't be sure I want either right now. Shocking right? While most women want the white picket fence with a husband to welcome home at day's end and at least a couple of children to cherish I wonder if I can't make something different happen in my 30's.
I don't feel like I have accomplished much with my 20's. Yes, I graduated college, but with a degree in Fish and Wildlife, my career in that field is all but closed. The young, naive girl I was in high school has grown up and realized that sometimes having that truly unique career may be fun, but it won't pay the bills. I struggled after college to find where I belonged. I moved more times than I care to count on my fingers right now, lived in horrific conditions even at times, and in the end, I landed myself in Columbus working as a Customs Brokerage Agent. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching people's perplexed looks as I rattle off my job title, but this is not where I thought I would be right now.
So where DID I expect to be. Certainly no one sees themselves as a single woman working an office job, still living with a roommate, and looking forward to coming home in the evenings to enjoy their cat's company while watching episodes of TV shows till bed time. Okay, you may insert your crazy cat lady jokes now. No, this is not where I saw myself, but regardless, it is where I am right now. In the last year of my 20's though, I want to change this. I have a year to set a foundation before the big 3 0 hits. In a year, I want to be celebrating my birthday as not only a time to rejoice in what I accomplished in the last year, but to truly be able to say I look forward now to what I will do with my 30's.
I guess it's a good time to remind you that my birthday is next week. Perhaps it has been that looming date that brought upon some of my serious thinking this morning. Today marks the first day of a week away from my usual troubles and stress. A week away from work is a week to start laying some healthy foundations. As I was laying in bed, a thought occurred to me. Is it enough to be just physically healthy? Is it enough to be just be spiritually healthy? Maybe the true definition of health is to be healthy in both these areas. If each one plays and contributes to the other, perhaps the balance I have been searching for depends on me getting myself right with my creator as well as allowing Him into the work I need to do on my physical self. I am sure I am not the first to come to this conclusion, but it is a powerful one to contemplate. Perhaps the key to finding a truly healthy life and living fully alive in my 30's if not only finding time work in cardio, but also finding time to be quiet with God.
So what does this sort of plan look like? It's all well and good to say these things, but how do I put them into practice. Preachers can preach all they want, but unless you see them living what they preach, it means nothing. My actions have to support my words. I know there will be days the excitement is lost. I won't want to do the things I know I should be doing. While the excitement is high right now, how can I promote change that will stick?
I am reminded first of all that I must look at this journey as a marathon and not as a sprint. I won't get their fast, there will be days I don't see the scale line move in the appropriate direction, there are days the thought of picking up my Bible is just not appealing, and there are certainly days I'm going to outright fail in all areas.
My first step this morning was to put on my BodyMedia armband. I will perhaps write an entire blog on what this device does for me, but a short and sweet version is that allows me to track my physical activity during the day so I can appropriately eat the calories to balance the two.
Goal 1: wear BodyMedia every day and night, and remember to track food throughout the day
Goal 2: spend a minimum of 15 minutes with God
Goal 3: find a minimum of 30 minutes to do cardio or strength training
These are three very simple and broad goals, but as I start to keep to them, I foresee new goals piggy backing off of the simples, broad ones.
The power diaries are not a new concept. I have known for a long time that I have the power to change my life. I want to look at my last year of 20 as the makeover year that allowed me to truly change my life in my 30's.
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